my shit smells like andre
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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