When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
