I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
