you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
