When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
