did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize