Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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