Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
