i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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