I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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