She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
