dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize