He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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