he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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