That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
