hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Hippo gnu deer
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
