Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
How external is "for external use only"?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
