Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
