I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
