If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
