Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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