Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
