Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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