I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
