last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
