I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I use my feet as sexual weapons
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
