That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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