Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize
