How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
