If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
