There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
