My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
