Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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