I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
