I accidentally had phone sex last night
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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