Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
