Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
