sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
