You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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