What did we do last night that was yellow?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
