i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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