What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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