i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize