I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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