Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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