Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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