i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
