i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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