the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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