im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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