I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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