How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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