You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
he fucked my hip out of place.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
