did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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