the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
