My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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