talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
