life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize