oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
