Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
