Grow some girl-balls and come out already
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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