my phone needs a breathalizer
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
