She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize