I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
