you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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