bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
