and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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